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  • Seafood Choices for Healthy Oceans

    Avoid - These fish currently come from sources that are overfished and/or caught or farmed in ways that harm other marine life or the environment.
    Chilean Seabass/Toothfish
    Cod:Atlantic
    Crab: King (imported)
    Flounders/Soles (Atlantic)
    Groupers*
    Halibut: Atlantic
    Lobster: Spiny (Caribbean imported)
    Monkfish
    Orange roughy*
    Rockfish (Pacific)*
    Salmon (farmed, including Atlantic)*
    Scallops: sea (Mid-Atlantic)
    Sharks*
    Shrimp (imported farmed or imported wild caught)
    Snapper: Red*
    Sturgeon,* Caviar (imported wild-caught)
    Swordfish (imported)*
    Tuna:Bluefin*

    * consumption should be limited due to mercury or other contaminants

    Best Choices - These fish are abundant, well managed and caught or farmed in environmentally friendly ways.
    Catfish (US farmed)
    Clams (farmed)
    Cod: Pacific (trap or hood & line caught)
    Crab: Dungeness, Snow (Canada), Stone
    Herring: Atlantic/Sardines
    Halibut: Pacific
    Lobster: Spiny (US)
    Mussels (farmed)
    Oysters (farmed)
    Pollock (wild-caught from Alaska)+
    Salmon (wild-caught from Alaska)+
    Striped Bass (farmed or wild-caught*)
    Sturgeon, Caviar (farmed)
    Tilapia (farmed)
    Trout: Rainbow (farmed)
    Tuna:Albacore, Bigeye, Yellowfin (troll or pole-caught)

    +Certified as sustainable to the Marine Stewardship Council standard
    * consumption should be limited due to mercury or other contaminants

    Good Alternatives - These are good alternatives to the Best Choices column. However, there are concerns with how they're caught or farmed - or with the health of their habitat due to other human impacts.
    Basa/Tra (farmed)
    Clams (wild caught)
    Cod: Pacific (longline or trawl-caught)
    Crab: Blue*, King (Alaska), Snow (US)
    Crab: Imitation/Surimi
    Lobster: American/Maine
    Mahi mahi/Dolphinfish/Dorado
    Oysters (wild-caught)*
    Scallops: Bay
    Scallops: Sea (Northeast and Canada)
    Shrimp (US farmed or wild-caught)
    Soles (Pacific)
    Squid
    Swordfish (US)*
    Tuna: Albacore, Bigeye, Yellowfin (longline-caught)*
    Tuna: canned light
    Tuna: canned white/Albacore*

    * consumption should be limited due to mercury or other contaminants

  • So, the Urinetown experience itself--this is the second half of my post from yesterday.

    I recognized some of the cast members from their audtions. There was one guy in there I had hoped would make it, but my hopes had been dashed when I heard his audition. He was a rather fat black man who sang to a Michael Jackson song along with the original vocal. The accompanist stopped the tape and had him do some tone matching with the piano. He got some of them after awhile, and one note he just couldn't get at all. I figured he wouldn't make it just because of the tone matching thing, but his voice had a nice quality. I was happy to see him there.

    I remember the girl who played the role of Little Sally from the audition. I honestly don't remember the audition of those who had the leads, though. The woman who sang the part of Miss Pennywise was fantastic, as was Officer Lockstock and one of the guys who was the one of the rebel poor who kidnaps Hope. Hope and Bobby were a little weak. They were good actors, especially Bobby. He had a lithe athletic body and was great at his part until he had to sing. He wasn't a bad singer, actually. He had a nice voice and could really project. He just couldn't always sing in tune. He tended to be sharp most of the time, and clashed with some of the other singers, especially in his duet with Hope.

    Hope had to sing down an octave part of the time, and her voice seemed a little weak. It wasn't until the end when she sang "I See a River" that I realized she has a really good and strong voice in the lower register. The guy who sang Caldwell B. Cladwell was funny and acted well, but again his singing was not quite as good as some of the others. He sang loudly, and growled when it seemed like he might be losing some power. The guy on the soundtrack does some of the same thing, but he isn't competing with a lot of other noise and can have some nuance. I really think the man in the live show was probably singing as loudly as he could in order to be heard over the accompaniment, and he didn't have some of the subtlety that you hear on the soundtrack.

    The sound was interesting, actually. The chorus was strong and good and sounded just like the chorus on the soundtrack in most cases. Their rendition of Run Freedom Run was fantastic. The leads were miked with headphone style, and sometimes it seemed like the mikes were turned up to the point of distortion, yet the softer parts of the songs were swallowed up. So now I'm even more intrigued by how you would do the sound for something like this in the venue where it was and overcome some of these obstacles.

    I talked to my best friend about my experiences seeing the show, and he wanted to know if I was upset at not making it when I saw who did. And I wasn't. I loved the audition experience--it was really fun and exciting, and it left me with a feeling of accomplishment and empowerment in the week immediately afterwards. I realized that they were selecting more for look and acting quality than for vocal ability. They said as much in the auditions. I am a little depressed that I love to sing, I'd love to do musical theater. I did some in my teens, and it was one of the most purely joyful and exciting experiences of my entire life. But I don't have the right look, and I'm finding most of the things I could audition for want people between 20 and 40. That is downright depressing. I'm almost 40, and I'll be in a place in a few years where I can devote more time to this sort of thing, but I'll be too old by then.

    I had the entire child-free decade of my 20's to do things like this, but I didn't. Because I lacked the confidence, and even without children I lacked the free time. I worked long hours trying to make ends meet and pay off bills, and I didn't have the flexibility in my schedule because the people I worked for knew I didn't have kids, and felt like I should be more available since "you don't have a family."

    I'm really hitting that mid-life crisis thing big time, realizing how I'm just not going to get to do the things I maybe hoped I could do. So it is doubly depressing to realize I live in an area where musical theater is mostly reserved for the younger generation. When I sang in shows in my teens, most of the people in the show were well over 40, but that isn't the case now. Most of the things I want to do with my life revolve around music, I just recently realized. I'd like to do musical theater, take voice lessons, learn to play the piano or play in a bluegrass group. Not sure how to take fiddle lessons, though. Wonder if I could just join the local bluegrass society and see if there are lessons.

    I ended up joining the church choir just before Christmas. I had wanted to join earlier, but it hadn't worked out. For a few years, every time I went to church, I had this weird little fantasy that someone would hear me singing and invite me to join the church choir. I usually chose to sing away from people, however, because I always try and sight read the other lines to keep my sight singing skills up, and I don't want to bug people. It just happened that the Sunday before the final cast for Urinetown was announced, I was singing in the front row, at the end away from the others. A man joined us midway through the service, and he was singing the bass line of the hymns, so I strongly sang the alto line next to him. He invited me to join the choir and introduced me to the choir director.

    So now I'm in the choir, and the alto section is happy to have me even though there are a lot of altos. They like the fact that I can site sing, and one woman thought I had perfect pitch. Not hardly, and my sight singing could definitely be better. But many people in choirs can't read music, so it is always nice to have a reasonably strong singer who can. I'm like the stalwart support of any music group I'm in, I guess. I was in a choir in CA, and I had solos a few times. It's nerve wracking and I actually preferred the small group performances, but a solo might be nice now and again. I think I worked out a lot of my nerves with karaoke.


  • Main Type
    Overall Self

    Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

  • I went to see Urinetown on Saturday night. This was the show I auditioned for back in November, and I've been pretty excited about seeing it. Friday night I took Bug out for a mother/daughter outing to our Chinese restaurant. We had shrimp dumplings, Sichuan broccoli and Asian chicken--Bug always gets Asian chicken, but I managed to get her to try the dumplings and the broccoli. It was in the restaurant that I remembered the show was opening that night, so I pulled out my cellphone and went to the local theater website just to make sure. We had been listening to the soundtrack in the car, and I talked to Bug about the possibility of her seeing it with me. I decided to try it on my own first the next evening. If I thought she would like it, we could try a matinee showing later this month.

    Saturday I took Bug, Bean and her friend K out to a local indoor tube crawling play place. We stayed a long time, had pizza at the place next door and came home so that I could get ready. I decided to change out of my jeans, made slightly wet by Bean's leaking diaper, and put on something just slightly more fancy for going to a show. I have a black blouse I bought two years ago when I bought some other clothes. It has always seemed slightly dressier, yet I've never worn it. I found a maroon camisole to wear under it, then I put it on and buttoned it up halfway. I was wearing black pants that I got at my garage sale last fall. They were donated by an Italian woman, and many of her clothes were pretty stylish. Since they fit me, I bought them for myself, but they have wide legs--or at least straight legs which are much wider at the ankle than I'm used to. Lord help me, but I'm still stuck in the tapered leg style from the early 80's, and I think it makes more sense for fat women. When you are wearing a size 24 slacks, you really don't need the bottom of your pants leg to be as wide as your thigh. You end up looking more like you are wearing bell bottoms. Or flares--whatever the kids are calling them these days.

    I stood contemplating myself in the mirror for awhile. I just didn't like the look of the outfit. The black blouse made me look pretty big. Between the slacks and the blouse, I looked like a big shapeless hulk. I brushed my hair, and I had that fat middle aged woman look. I now have some fat under my chin and, honestly, what looks like a little extra cartilage on my once pointy nose. I never thought having a thin, pointy nose was a good thing, but it at least complemented my thin lips. I sat down on the edge of the tub and contemplated myself some more. I looked like an asexual type of person who claims the title of lesbian to make herself seem like she has a sexual identity, and to explain to the world why she isn't married. Seriously, I was struck by the idea that I resembled a long forgotten but once slightly newsworthy person of some sort--someone who had done something in her youth but slipped into obsurity. And now Newsweek or some such magazine was doing a little one page blurb with a photo of me sitting posed with one knee up, hands on my knee.

    Serendipity Smith most known for the part she played in the Senator Stillwell scandal, talks about her past infamy, her art, and her new girlfriend.

    I got up and changed into my regular "dressy" blouse, a maroon lace shell that matches the camisole. I put a little lipstick on just to give my completely thin lips some color. I wiped most of it off, put a little Carmex on over top for some shine (and because my lips felt dry). When I wear lip stuff, I end up poofing them out a little more because of the discomfort of the feeling of the lipstick, so they looked a little poutier. My nose still looked big, but I added a little mousse to my hair and fluffed it. I put on my chunky amber and turquoise necklace and considered the results anew in the mirror. I looked like who I am, a fat middle-aged woman who has never quite caught onto fashion or cosmetic application, but who was going out to a show without her kids at least.

  • I thought this was interesting. It was a 2 question test, and yet it really describes me to a T in some parts. But, no, I do not have a velvet lined toolbox, to answer TB's question. hee hee hee

    the Romantic
    Test finished!
    you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.


    "I am unique"



    Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

    How to Get Along with Me



    • Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.

    • Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value
      myself.

    • Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.

    • Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy,
      I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.

    • Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

    What I Like About Being a Four


    • my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep
      level

    • my ability to establish warm connections with people

    • admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life

    • my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor

    • being unique and being seen as unique by others

    • having aesthetic sensibilities

    • being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

    What's Hard About Being a Four


    • experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair

    • feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved

    • feeling guilty when I disappoint people

    • feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me

    • expecting too much from myself and life

    • fearing being abandoned
    • obsessing over resentments

    • longing for what I don't have

    Fours as Children Often


    • have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in
      original game
      s

    • are very sensitive

    • feel that they don't fit in

    • believe they are missing something that other people have
    • attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.

    • become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood

    • feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents'
      divorce)

    Fours as Parents


    • help their children become who they really are

    • support their children's creativity and originality

    • are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
    • are sometimes overly critical or overly protective

    • are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed



    Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

    The Enneagram Made Easy

    Discover the 9 Types of People

    HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages


    You liked the test? so please RATE it





    You are not completely happy with the result?!

    You chose BY


    Would you rather have chosen:

  • AY (EIGHT)
  • CY (SIX)
  • BX (NINE)
  • BZ (FIVE)
  • My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 27% on ABC
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 51% on XYZ

    Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
  • Unfortunately, my Rude Comment of the Day feature has not quite taken off. I just haven't encountered that much rudeness since I started it. Wait, what am I saying??? That is fortunate, isn't it?

    I think the day after the first comment, I did have Bug ask me to get her some food. I was busy on the computer and told her in a minute. She started counting. I knew right away what she was up to, but my husband was confused. Why did she start counting all of a sudden? He just wanted her to be quiet as he thinks she is the number one cause of noise pollution in our house. I knew it was just a count of 60 before she would get very demanding, so it did spur me to action. Rudeness avoided, more or less.

    On Sunday night, it started pouring rain and continued all day Monday. I had decided to go to Trader Joe's to get some groceries, among those things to make for a cake that I will be donating to a charity cake walk at Bug's school. An insanely fattening chocolate cake, it calls for 4 oz unsweetened dark chocolate and a stick of butter in the batter, but 1 and a quarter cups of whipping cream, 1/2 stick of butter, 1 lb of milk chocolate for the frosting, with 4 Heath or Skor bars and 7 ounces of milk chocolate shaved or crumbled for the filling and topping. All I can say is I'm glad I'm not eating it. In any event, I decided to go to Trader Joe's as well as the regular grocery store to get what I needed. The chocolate I got at TJ's, but I wanted cake flour and superfine sugar which I could only get at a conventional store. The one time I did make this cake, I used a combination of white and whole wheat bread flour as that was what I had. The cake was a little dry so I'm hoping this will make a difference, but I won't really know if it will.

    Anyway, I finally got Bean in the car and started driving to TJ's. At this point I had only an hour an a half before I had to pick Bug up from school. I arrived and parked, and the rain really started coming down. Bean had just fallen asleep and I was halfway to joining her. The grocery store is always such a struggle with Bean, who runs around and screams when I try to restrain her. I didn't feel like struggling with her and the bags into the cold raid, so I drove to Bug's school. I got there an hour early and took a little nap in the car with Bean. At this point I realized I was really feeling depressed, and feeling depressed about being in that state. Sleep seems to be the only cure. I really wanted to go home, but the mess there was just insult to injury, and I knew I'd be on time if I napped in the car. After I collected the first grader, I decided to take them both for a quick trip to the regular grocery story.

    They were both pretty exuberant entering the store, and each had to have her own kid's cart to push around. Actually, Bug was willing to share a cart, but Bean wanted her own which I was a little leery about as the cart is heavy and unweildy enough to present a problem. They both looked so cute with their carts as the followed me into the produce section, cackling gleefully. Then they decided to play bumper carts and started crashing them head on into each other. I let this go on a few times, then decided to put an end to it. A young woman was standing over her produce, telling the potatoes about the negative aspects of this behavior, so I figured it was about time. After a lot of running around by Bean and a temper tantrum at being restrained in the cart, we made it home safely.

    When I got home, I put Bean in the highchair and let her have some snacks while I tried to clean up the kitchen. After various and sundry disagreements, Bean got to have some of Bug's chocolate milk and some of the cheese popcorn and a banana. In the middle of doing dishes, I heard the cup hit the floor. It turned to see that the popcorn had preceeded the cup, piece by piece. Then a wet sounding thump, and the banana was on the floor too. I AM ABSOLUTELY FED UP WITH A FOOD THROWING TODDLER. Nothing I've done over the last year or so makes a difference. I went and took her from the high chair and didn't do my usual scolding to show my displeasure, nor my explanation of what the situation was and how we could fix it. I just carried her up to the crib in the empty room and deposited her there. She didn't even know to cry at that point. Then I went and flopped down on my bed, trying to decide between downing half a bottle of wine or running to exhaustion on the treadmill. Both seem to be mind or at least physical sensation altering. In the end I came downstairs and made coffee and cleaned up the mess. Then I brought Bean back downstairs and had both the girls help me clean up the toys in the living room. Bug agreed to be in charge of all the stuffed animals and I managed to get Bean to take all the chopsticks she had thrown on the floor back into the kitchen. I was feeling like I was too calm, too emotionless and that this was a dangerous sign and I was going to snap and do something bad. But I guess I was just too tired.

    In the end, I sat down and picked out tunes on a toy keyboard for about ten minutes. This vegging behavior seemed to help ease my mood, at which point I made my coffee and started dinner. Disaster averted for now.

    Today the sun was shining bright in the morning, beautiful on the mountains as it is right after a storm front moves through. We were actually just in a lull as it started snowing then got completely overcast again. I don't mind the snow, and I actually don't mind overcast. Some days that start out that way turn completely depressing when the sun comes back out and seems to shine unrelentlessly on everything. Most of the time, though, I love the blue sky with the big fluffly clouds and the sunshine. It's what we have right now, so I think I'll open the shades.

    It was a much better day for me mentally. I got Bug to school on time, then Bean and I went to Trader Joe's immediately afterwards. The store wasn't that crowded as it had just opened, so she was able to crawl around on the floor like a kitty. Unfortunately she wandered too far afield and I caught her crawling on a display of 3 buck chuck, so I had to put her in the cart again. A lot of her rebellion is now tamed from the "I absolutely must do this and I will scream and thrash loudly" to "OK, fine, I realize I have no choice, I'm not happy about it so I'm going to exhibit that by the tone of my voice, and I'm going to get down myself so don't touch me." She was upset that I didn't let her get off the boxes by herself, so I actually put her back up so she could try again. I talked to her about staying with me if she was going to walk, but it was beyond her, so into the cart she went. She didn't throw a huge fit, thankfully, but she did eat chips.

    I came home, roasted some red peppers and made my favorite sandwich from the Vegan Vittles cookbook--kale and sauerkraut on whole grain bread with tahini and mustard. The peppers I'm going to serve with hummus and pita on Thursday when I go to MOPS.

  • Rude comment of the day:

    I think I'm going to make this a regular feature. OK, so I had a doctor's appointment Wednesday at 3:30. I went to pick up Bug from school, and I had told her in the morning that I had a doctor's appointment and I wanted her to come to the car quickly. She didn't, and I wasn't even legally parked, and she didn't show up for 8 minutes after the bell rang. Then she stood outside the car, yelling good-bye and such. As soon as I had the car door opened, I said, "I have a doctor's appointment at 3:30-" and she interrupted with, "And your point is?" Ummm, my point is get the hell in the car!

    So that was Wednesday. Today one of Bug's friends was over playing, and she asked me why I was so mean. I just laughed and asked, "Oh, you think I'm mean?"

  • Filed under things that made me cry, I had an actual good old sob today, the first one I've had in a few years, I think.

    I called my sister this morning, just to chat. She asked if she had told me about the baby, and I said no. The baby is her newest grandchild, just 2 months old. Her 19 year old daughter had a baby in December of 2004 and in December of 2005. The second little girl, A., was in the hospital for several weeks after having a problem where her circulatory system didn't close off properly resulting in her not getting oxygen. Then she had problems eating, so they wanted to keep her in the hospital until they were sure she could drink from a bottle. While she was in the hospital, she was turned slighty to the right because of how the respirator tube went in.

    Apparently the right back side of her head is flattened now. I told my sister that can happen when the babies are constanly lying on their backs, and I asked if N. ever used the sling on the baby. N.'s first daughter cried all the time, but would quiet right down when I put her in my sling during the time I was visiting. N bought the same sling I had, a Mayawrap.

    I guess N. asked my sis if this flat head thing was normal, and my sister, thinking that N. meant the hair was worn off so the head looked flatter, said that it was. Apparently this flat head thing was the source of some contention between N and her 16 year old sister, O. O kept arguing that the head thing wasn't normal, and N said it was, that their mom had said it was. So finally O took the baby to her mom and showed her the head. My sister said it was practically caved in on that side, but she hadn't noticed it before.

    So O said, "Think about it, Mom. Have you ever seen N holding the baby at all since she came home from the hospital?" My sister called N up at work and told her that she didn't think the head thing was normal and asked her about the holding thing. O's big beef with N is that she props the bottle too much. N has been putting the baby in her crib and propping her bottle, and O doesn't like that, so they fight about it. N said that her 1 year old is spoiled, and a woman at work told her that if you pick them up you will spoil them, so to leave her in her crib. And that is what N has been doing.

    When my sister realized it, she had harsh words with N. She called the woman who made that comment about spoiling some ugly names. Sis says that N will listen to the advice that she gives N, but she hadn't really noticed the not holding thing. She said she was so upset when she realized that N hadn't been holding her baby, a baby that spent most of the first month of her life in a hospital anyway. Sis sat up that night holding the baby and crying.

    A's neck muscles are much weaker on her left side than on her right, and the doctor has said that if the head issue isn't treated soon, it's possible that the muscles may never develop properly and A won't be able to turn her head.

    Honest to God, the hard beginning and the fact that she isn't breastfed is hard enough for me to take, but the abandoning to the crib with a propped bottle was just too much for me to bear. My sister didn't come down on the bottle propping much because she knows she did it a lot herself. Well, so did I! My sister admitted that she would put N in her crib and just let her cry when she had to take care of her 1 year old son. I have a clear memory of babysitting N and her brother and doing the same thing. I left her crying in her carseat and put her in my mom's bedroom and shut the door so I could feed U, then I went back to get her. So, you see, it doesn't lead to a good outcome.

    Since finding out that N hasn't been holding the baby, my sister is making extra sure to hold the baby more. And actually, I'm sure between all the kids in that house and my sister, A has been getting held a fair amount anyway. But N see's her mom holding the baby and says that her mom favors the baby over her older sister, M. My sister said someone has to--everyone favors M anyway. Well, yeah, you know, one is a cute age. One is a baby.

    I'm really upset because I'm always questioning my decision to leave my family. So I try and help people with breastfeeding problems, but my niece's babies don't get breastfed, they get fed Pedialyte at 3 weeks of age through propped bottles. They get flattened heads and atrophied neck muscles. A friend of mine has miscarriages instead of the babies she wants to nurture and love, but my niece gets pregnant on depo provera with a second child when she never even wanted to have the first child. I was actually excited when I found out my niece was pregnant the first time, then I tamped down my enthusiasm to ask if she was going to keep the baby. Well, hell yeah, my sister would in no way let her daughter have an abortion. Her 18 year old daughter, mind you. She considered an abortion the second time around, but I guess she decided against it. How much of that was her choice, I don't know.

    And maybe she has some PPD, I don't know. So I'm going to see what I can find and mail her some stuff to read, and she probably won't read it, and no one gives a shit what I think anyway. I can't help this poor baby.

  • And for more weirdness from me, I just want to mention (in a much shorter post than the one I devoted to my car) that today was my due date for my second pregnancy. So if she had been born, she would have been 3 years old around now. I honestly hadn't remembered until yesterday. The miscarriage was an interesting experience, and I got over it in a week or so, it seemed. But I still get sad sometimes. Bean was conceived before the due date, so if that baby had made it, I wouldn't have had Bean. It's just the way life works, and I don't really feel like I should be sad, you know? Because I have Bean, but every baby is different, and I can honor my miscarriage as a unique being that might have been, but wasn't.

  • This is one of those completely shameful, self-absorbed types of ramblings, so please pass on by.

    I drove my car for the last time today. I didn't know it was the last time, but I had been out twice, first to take Bean to her gym class and then Bug. I parked the car in the garage, took the groceries out of the trunk and came in and had lunch.

    My husband has been talking about buying a minivan, and we actually went out last week just to have a brief look. I was thinking it wouldn't work out, actually half hoping it wouldn't. The price of the Sienna was too high and the salesguy who descended on us as we were actually driving into the parking lot was a little weird. He had the personality of a rabid chihuahua, according to DH, and he actually did a call back and couldn't remember who we were or what we had been looking at, even though DH called him the day before.

    Anyway, the hubby thought he'd go out, tell them the price we were willing to pay, and maybe we could make a deal. I still had reservations, but I had said, "Yeah, it's a nice car, wouldn't mind having it." The Man and I came to an agreement of a price we weren't willing to go above and the idea we might enter into a buying transaction in that case. Still it seemed unlikely anything would happen soon, and I thought I'd have more time to make the final decision. The eternal procrastination of a poor decision maker. Still, "Nothing is happening today," was the parting shot as DH walked out of the house. Then a call from his cell: "This might be happening today."

    DH came home to get me to sign the papers. He had driven my car up there for the dealer to assess for trade in value. We talked about not doing that, but finally decided that was going to be part of the deal. When he came back to get me, he was in the new car. My car now belonged to the dealer. I grabbed my camera and my children, and decided I'd say a private good-bye to my sweet Camry, give her a kiss and check her over once more just to be sure everything was out.

    I found her back next to a bunch of other cars near the chainlink fence, stripped of her license plates, but still sporting her LLL bumpersticker. I found out there was some more of my stuff in the car, when I used my keys for the last time. I told her I loved her and would miss her, but I forgot the kiss. I tried to take my bumper sticker off, hoping to preserve it in it's entiretly. I've had good luck with that using hot water, but it was useless in the cold weather with nothing but my fingernails. I got half off and decided to leave the rest, sad at this point that I just hadn't left the whole thing.

    I felt guilty leaving her there. She was the car I bought when my very first car, a gray Chevrolet Cavalier, threw a rod. I bought her before I had my first child, knowing I would need a sturdy, dependable car. And that she was. I had just taken her in for an oil change and emissions inspection. I got a brakelight replaced too. The man at the service station told me these cars were great and I could drive her for another 10 years with no problems. The guy at the dealership told me that the timing belt would need to be replaced at 60,000 miles, but I was still 15,000 from that.

    That Camry carried me to the hospital when I was in labor with my first baby, running over a rabbit in her haste to get me there on time. We rode away from the hospital two days later, the Camry safely carrying Bug to her new home. Later we left that home for a new one in another state, and the Camry took us there. She carried our homeborn baby out to her first doctor's appointment. She's taken numbers of family members to their chosen destinations, be it the beach or Starbucks for the New York Times.

    She's taken me to parks, churches, restaurants, libraries, stores, museums, karaoke bars, amusements from San Diego to Los Angeles, Sacramento to San Francisco, the parking garages of Disneyland, the beautiful drive around Lake Tahoe, the depressing smog flats of the Modesto to Bakersfield. She's taken me and some children to a drive-in movie theater, where I dented her hood by lying on it. She's driven over a lot of packed snow, and slipped on some ice a few weeks ago, causing us to slide down the hill. I had to go and get my husband's AWD car, which is in part what precipiated our haste in replacing the Camry this year instead of next. We had discussed it last year and decided to wait a few more.

    She was a good car, with comfortable seats. More comfortable, really, than the Sienna, and I liked the way she handled. I like being lower to the ground, and the Camry seat seems more expansive and solid than the ones in the minivan. The minivan is cool and has some great features. I'm excited to have her, but I'll definitely miss my Camry. I didn't realize the depth of my feelings until I stood staring vacantly in my kitchen, realizing I was actually depressed, after arriving home from signing the papers for the Sienna, and signing over my title to the Camry. I have a new car and I'm actually sad about it. How screwed up is that? It's ridiculous, I know, but I've gotten definite feelings about cars before. The old Caprice I inherited from my parents hated me, and I wasn't so fond of her either. I was sad when I had to leave my Cavalier, and I actually cried at the time even though I felt like we had some prickly times between us. With the Camry, it was only love. I had had a chance to replace her before, and I didn't, so now here I am, feeling so oddly sentimental and attached to a car.

    I took the camera and took one last photo of her, a pretty crappy one with it being dark and having so many other cars near her, but it was the best I could get. 1999 dark blue Toyota Camry XLE (that I bought in 1998 and got dinged the first week), you were a great car. I hope you bring your new owners as much pleasure as you've brought me. Good-bye.