February 16, 2006

• Filed under things that made me cry, I had an actual good old sob today, the first one I've had in a few years, I think.

  I called my sister this morning, just to chat. She asked if she had told me about the baby, and I said no. The baby is her newest grandchild, just 2 months old. Her 19 year old daughter had a baby in December of 2004 and in December of 2005. The second little girl, A., was in the hospital for several weeks after having a problem where her circulatory system didn't close off properly resulting in her not getting oxygen. Then she had problems eating, so they wanted to keep her in the hospital until they were sure she could drink from a bottle. While she was in the hospital, she was turned slighty to the right because of how the respirator tube went in.

  Apparently the right back side of her head is flattened now. I told my sister that can happen when the babies are constanly lying on their backs, and I asked if N. ever used the sling on the baby. N.'s first daughter cried all the time, but would quiet right down when I put her in my sling during the time I was visiting. N bought the same sling I had, a Mayawrap.

  I guess N. asked my sis if this flat head thing was normal, and my sister, thinking that N. meant the hair was worn off so the head looked flatter, said that it was. Apparently this flat head thing was the source of some contention between N and her 16 year old sister, O. O kept arguing that the head thing wasn't normal, and N said it was, that their mom had said it was. So finally O took the baby to her mom and showed her the head. My sister said it was practically caved in on that side, but she hadn't noticed it before.

  So O said, "Think about it, Mom. Have you ever seen N holding the baby at all since she came home from the hospital?" My sister called N up at work and told her that she didn't think the head thing was normal and asked her about the holding thing. O's big beef with N is that she props the bottle too much. N has been putting the baby in her crib and propping her bottle, and O doesn't like that, so they fight about it. N said that her 1 year old is spoiled, and a woman at work told her that if you pick them up you will spoil them, so to leave her in her crib. And that is what N has been doing.

  When my sister realized it, she had harsh words with N. She called the woman who made that comment about spoiling some ugly names. Sis says that N will listen to the advice that she gives N, but she hadn't really noticed the not holding thing. She said she was so upset when she realized that N hadn't been holding her baby, a baby that spent most of the first month of her life in a hospital anyway. Sis sat up that night holding the baby and crying.

  A's neck muscles are much weaker on her left side than on her right, and the doctor has said that if the head issue isn't treated soon, it's possible that the muscles may never develop properly and A won't be able to turn her head.

  Honest to God, the hard beginning and the fact that she isn't breastfed is hard enough for me to take, but the abandoning to the crib with a propped bottle was just too much for me to bear. My sister didn't come down on the bottle propping much because she knows she did it a lot herself. Well, so did I! My sister admitted that she would put N in her crib and just let her cry when she had to take care of her 1 year old son. I have a clear memory of babysitting N and her brother and doing the same thing. I left her crying in her carseat and put her in my mom's bedroom and shut the door so I could feed U, then I went back to get her. So, you see, it doesn't lead to a good outcome.

  Since finding out that N hasn't been holding the baby, my sister is making extra sure to hold the baby more. And actually, I'm sure between all the kids in that house and my sister, A has been getting held a fair amount anyway. But N see's her mom holding the baby and says that her mom favors the baby over her older sister, M. My sister said someone has to--everyone favors M anyway. Well, yeah, you know, one is a cute age. One is a baby.

  I'm really upset because I'm always questioning my decision to leave my family. So I try and help people with breastfeeding problems, but my niece's babies don't get breastfed, they get fed Pedialyte at 3 weeks of age through propped bottles. They get flattened heads and atrophied neck muscles. A friend of mine has miscarriages instead of the babies she wants to nurture and love, but my niece gets pregnant on depo provera with a second child when she never even wanted to have the first child. I was actually excited when I found out my niece was pregnant the first time, then I tamped down my enthusiasm to ask if she was going to keep the baby. Well, hell yeah, my sister would in no way let her daughter have an abortion. Her 18 year old daughter, mind you. She considered an abortion the second time around, but I guess she decided against it. How much of that was her choice, I don't know.

  And maybe she has some PPD, I don't know. So I'm going to see what I can find and mail her some stuff to read, and she probably won't read it, and no one gives a shit what I think anyway. I can't help this poor baby.

  • 3:37 am
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