Monday was buying club pick-up day. A woman in town orders from the natural foods warehouse, and is permitted to order every 2 months, so some of us from my old buying club go in with her. Most accounts were canceled when Wild Oats complained, but she had been ordering for 20 years and was able to get her account reinstated. I was going in on the produce and I also ended up splitting frozen butternut squash, frozen peas and eggs. The owner of the house commented on what a beautiful day it was--not too hot, not too cold. It wasn't hot, but a little balmy for me. The weather felt pretty mild and the son wasn't too bad, but I like just a little bit of nip in the air.

Tuesday I walked Bug to school with Bean in the stroller. It is only a little over a mile, but we gave ourselves 40 minutes just to make sure we'd get there in time. We made it in 29. It was a calm walk, and Bug often ran ahead. Normally I'm pushing, pushing, pushing and she lags behind and I have to keep stopping for her. I run ahead to try and encourage her to keep up, but she just goes slower. So this was nice. The weather even in the morning wasn't as cold as I thought it would be. I guess it wasn't a cold night, but sometimes it can be quite cold in the morning and warm up during the day. The temperature on both Monday and Tuesday were in the low to mid 70s.

Wednesday Bean had swimming classes. Coming out of swimming class, it was bright and sunny but it was like something in the weather had changed and the sun wasn't warming the air like it had been. Maybe we had been having a little humidity, I don't know. But Wednesday it was brisk and the thermometer on my car said it was 47. In late June we had the K4J VBS mostly outside, and it was oddly cold that week. Jacket wearing cold. It rained one day as we were leaving and the temperature on the car thermometer said 47 at the lowest point. There was even some dusting of snow on some of the higher hills. So 47 and sunny in late October is nice. Bug had gym class right after school, and I had promised her Starbucks afterwards. She kept coming out of the class, not really wanting to do much. I told her to go back in, work hard and we'd go to Starbucks like she wanted. When she came out, she told me she hadn't worked very hard so she shouldn't go to Starbucks. I said, "So we're not going then?" She still wanted to go even still. It was chilly outside and I was cold in short sleeves. Bean didn't seem to care and was running around in the back patio area, but I was cold.

Thursday I noticed the temperature got as low as 41 as I was driving home from taking Bug to school. It was steadily at 45, but then dropped at one point. It is not unusual to be walking along and then hit a gully that is much colder than the areas around it. The cold air sinks in and stays. One year trick-or-treating I noticed a huge drop in temp when I came down the hill and went around the corner to the house at the end of the gully. I guess my car thermometer was just picking up on that. When I went to pick Bug up from school, almost all the leaves were off the trees in the front schoolyard. Bug always comes out from her class, props her backpack up against a short wall, and scoops up leaves. She and her friend run around, throwing leaves at each other. I wasn't able to stop in front of the school, so I walked out to get her so that we could cross the street together. The lawn was carpeted with leaves--it made me itch for a rake. I scooped up a bundle and dropped them on her head. She had to retaliate before we walked back to the car, so we both had leaves in our hair.

Then we came home where I spent a lot of time cleaning up. I thought I would just do a few things, but it seemed like there was always more to do. It was about 3 hours before I could just sit and relax. I also put away laundry earlier in the day, so it was a productive one for me. Unfortunately I had no desire to go to choir practice. Part of it was that Bug got sick and started throwing up not long after we got home. She threw up 4 times and was in the bathroom half of the time, I believe with diarrhea. She asked for the diaper rash ointment, so I'm guessing that was it.

Today is a school holiday. I have to get ready to take Bean to her gym class now. I haven't been outside yet today. It was below freezing overnight, but is supposed to get up to as high as 65. If it's nice, maybe we'll go to the park.

I just returned from a long sort of walk. There is a break in swimming classes this week, so I put the stroller in the car this morning before I drove Bug to school. I parked near the school and then Bean and I took off. It got seriously gray and I had heard there was a front moving in. Yesterday, all of last week as a matter of fact, it was warm. Temps in the mid to high 80's and it just felt balmy. Not crisp air but warm from the sun. The sun felt gentle and the air felt slightly moist and warm, kind of like spring in an eastern state like Virginia.

October is probably my favorite month, and part of what I love about it is the crisp air, the breezes, the high pressure systems that come in bringing sun, yet chill. And the leaves changing colors, of course. Usually October is almost a rebirth, similar to what I have felt in spring before. This feeling of excitement and promise. Odd to say, but the warmer weather in fall can kind of bring me down. I was fine with it in southern California because it seemed in keeping with how it was there, plus we got cooler weather in the evenings. But I never had that same feeling of exhilaration that I get when it is sunny, breezy and crisp.

So today I walked around my favorite neighborhoods, and we saw lots of Halloween decorations. And leaves in different stages of coloring, some still green, some turning yellow, some bright red or orange, some brown and dead looking, and some trees completely bare of leaves. At one point I was walking on a carpet of leaves in a quaint old neighborhood with gorgeous little houses and trees that loomed over my head. I love that particular part of the street. I tried to get some photos of it, but they never capture what I want. We stopped in at a local coffee place where I had a coffee in a ceramic cup and Bean enjoyed some chocolate milk. We split a bagel. I took one photo of her just sitting there, but as soon as she saw the camera she started to pose, so it was a candid shot of her coming into awareness of me with the camera. Not exactly what I wanted, but good enough. I drained the camera battery taking so many photos.

So for now, I'm out of my autumn funk. I realized as I was driving Bug to school today that probably over half the trees have turned. There were some trees that were more sensitive to whatever weather conditions we had this year, and they didn't color as brightly and dropped their leaves too soon. But then other trees that normally haven't impressed me in past years are making up for the poor performance of their aborial friends. One of the trees that looks good this year is one my friend told me is good for xeriscaping and often used in low water landscapes. So even though we had some pounding rainstorms a week or so ago, I think in general we are drier this year. The ponds and some of the little creeks that I pass on my walks are almost completely evaporated.

We were gone for 2 hours, but I doubt I walked even 3 miles with how slow I was going at times, and the stop for coffee. I tried to retrace it in my car to get the mileage, but I had walked the wrong way down some one way roads. When I lived in Virginia, I used to drive out towards the Shenandoah area to see the color. I loved driving down highways and country roads, seeing signs for apple cider or apples. It reminded me of when I was a kid and my parents owned some property at a place called Apple Mountain. We always stopped at a little country store, the only thing out there at the time, and got country ham sandwiches with mustard. The only time I ever enjoyed that salty kind of ham, actually. After college when I returned home, I would get in my car and drive out towards the hillier parts of northern Virginia, often ending up on Skyline Drive and parking so I could take some nature walks. I had enjoyed the same sort of thing when I lived in Charlottesville, but in the NoVa area I had to drive a little farther to find it, usually. I had all these romantic notions during those drives, and I would think about moving out that way, but I knew the reality wouldn't live up to the little fantasies I was conjuring in my mind.

I actually really love where I live now, and in some ways I'm getting part of what I used to dream about. I love walking around the older neighborhoods and stopping in the locally owned businesses and checking out what is going on in my neighborhood. I actually joined the church to which I belong because I wanted this sense of community, being able to go to some of these seasonal events, potlucks and picnics and having people that at least recognized me if they didn't know me that well. I can go for a week or two with a very small area of navigation, with most of the places I need to go within a 3 mile radius of my house. I get a very homey feeling from this, even if I don't want to be in my house...like today...because it is so messy and I know I should clean it. I do start to feel stifled after awhile, and then I take a trip. Part of the reason why I went to Virginia in August. But this is a great time of month, with harvest festivals and holiday events to look forward to, so I'm going to try and enjoy it.

I've been feeling oddly down. Only for a few days which is situational when I think about it, but today it hit me that the down feelings seem to come more frequently. I'm having an off year, I guess. I have off years at times--22 sucked and 27 didn't pick up until the end. This year, for some reason, I just haven't had the same enthusiasm for things.

My mother-in-law was here for a visit and she left yesterday. It's always a little sad the first day that visitors are gone, and I'm always worried that my children will be strongly affected. But they aren't. Not even Bean, who is different from Bug, more sensitive and such. Bug was 3 years old when my sister came for a 2 week stay. Every morning Bug got out of bed and immediately wanted to go downstairs and see her aunt. If my sis happened to be asleep, Bug wanted to wake her up. Yet the day after she left, Bug reverted back to her normal patterns, and didn't ask about her aunt. Bean was the same way with grandma. She loved grandma while she was here and wanted to see her, but did not seem affected once she was gone.

It was a comfortable visit. She is a more willing just to settle into a routine while she is here than my FIL and SMIL who are active and often want to find little repair jobs and such. MIL just did dishes and some laundry, but didn't need a project. Now if it were my mother, I'd be waiting on her and doing more dishes and laundry, and I'd get to listen to her litany of health complaints. So MIL's visit was just the right thing, but more and more these visits are getting more difficult because I realize that as much as I like where I live, I want to be close to my family again. I had a hard time after my visit to Virginia this past summer, and Bug did too. She was depressed and cried when the airport security people searched her back and confiscated her Sponge Bob toothpaste, but I think it was more because she was sad to be leaving.

So maybe this is just the year to be realizing the limit of my lifespan and feeling sadness for the way the choices I've made have affected my life, even if it is mostly for the good. There is always a trade-off, and it's bittersweet sometimes. My sister's kids have grown up without me.

Plus there is this whole getting older thing--sometimes I really feel it, sometimes I don't. It used to be that I would sometimes forget how old I was and give an age much younger than I was until reality caught up with my brain. I don't do that anymore, but just the other day I was wondering where my 20s had gone and thinking about them being over before I realized that I'm 39 and my 30's are almost gone too. Wow!

Mostly my feeling this year has been one of being tired and not wanting to do my normal things. I decided to de-stress Christmas by not sending cards and a holiday letter. I thought I'd do it once the holidays were gone and make it a Valentine's Day or spring letter. Then my BIL got sick and I was waiting for him to get better and that didn't happen. Now I feel like it's been too long for some people and that I should have gotten in touch earlier. July came which is normally a fun time here, but all I felt was tired to think of it, and I did very little. Now it is October, a season I normally love. Last year autumn was so beautiful. It lasted a long time and the colors were vivid. This autumn seems off. No color, 80 degree days, then a few cold nights, bam color, the next day those leaves are falling off the tree. The tree outside my laundry room normally has a vivid red that creeps up and takes over until the whole tree glows. But already the vivid red leaves are the color of dried blood, and half the leaves didn't really get very red. It's just the weather, I guess, but I've been feeling this need to push off fall and hope it wasn't coming for awhile, so the leaves coming off the trees is kind of depressing. I guess it's true, the days just seem to come faster and faster the older you get. My Bean baby is now 3 years old. She told me yesterday that she swam by herself with Miss Mary at her swimming lesson, and she wasn't sad, she was happy! That's great, actually and I'm proud of her, but my baby is officially gone. Bug has been an odd combination of too old and too young simultaneously, and I worry about how she is feeling sometimes. They are both still so young, but I worry I'm not appreciating their lives where they are while I can.

Oh well, there are a lot of trees that haven't turned yet, so a beautiful fall might work out in the long run. And I still have time with my kids. The day after her birthday when someone asked how old she was, Bean gave a mischievous little grin and proclaimed, "Seven!" Then she giggled at her own joke.

Yesterday I was feeling sleepy. I was taking the garbage out in the early evening, and the patch of grass in the side yard was looking mighty tempting. Bean was crying in the house, having tried to follow me out but being stopped by her father. I decided it would be nice to lie out in the yard while the kids played, so we all went out. The sky was beautiful, a vivid blue with some glowy white clouds marbled throughout. The grass was cold and a little itchy, but I was feeling to lazy to go and get a blanket. Bug started playing a game with Bean.

Whenever they play these pretend games, one will suggest something and the other will add her own part of the story and back and forth they go. Let's pretend that you are a kitty and I am a dog.
And I'm a little kitten and I am looking for my mommy.
Usually Bug, being the older, suggests something that isn't very nice:
And I am a big dog and I was trying to chase you and eat you.
And I ran away...
But I caught you and bit your leg off...
And I ran to my mommy.
No, you couldn't run away because I bit your leg off.
But I ran away first.
No, I killed you first.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaahma, I want to be a kitty that ran away but she said she killed me. She's stupid and I'm gonna kill her next time.

Every time Bean adds a statement, she has a particular tonal form she uses. Kind of like a high, low, high, up a step from high, low sliding to high (like second tone in mandarin). Sometimes I can hear the tonal pattern though not the words, but I know the game they are playing.

Yesterday I wanted just to rest in the grass, but I had to run in and get dinner. The girls took their plates outside and ate on the grass. The sky was dimmer and the clouds were gray, but right after that they took on the coral shade of clouds at sunset. I couldn't see the sun as it sets behind the mountain but leaves a lot of light behind. The true sunset is when the clouds turn that color and then the light goes out. Bug wanted to play before it was too dark to see, and I had to be a part of it. Bean was a pigeon and Bug was an owl. The owl was trying to get the pigeon to feed her hungry owlets, but I was the mommy pigeon and I kept protecting her. At one point I was running across the yard, flapping my arms and squawking about saving my baby.

Bug accidentally hit Bean in the face, and the little one fell to the ground crying. But then she got caught up in the game as I ran across the room with my wings flapping, and she jumped up and ran to me to be safe calling mama all the way, and it was such a sweet moment to sweep her up in my arms and chase the owl away. The owl retreated to her nest. Then the twisted part of me that we should go and try and kill her babies, so away we flew. The owl was quite tenacious and fought us off well. I suffered a hurt wing, as did one of the owlets. Then I pretended to be the daddy owl. I came home and asked how the day had gone. Mama Owl replied that they had almost had pigeon for dinner, but she wasn't able to catch one. Daddy Owl asked why not. Mama Owl said, "Well, I could have gone to the pigeon restaurant and gotten one there, but I was trying to catch one on my own. I decided rats would be easier." Later on, after some more flapping around by Baby Pigeon and Mama Owl, Mama Pigeon was on the ground. Mama Owl was going to finish her off. Baby Pigeon came over to save her, fighting the owl and trying to grab her Mama off the ground. I was briefly afraid for my hand, but I got up and we all lived happily ever after or something. The owls had rat again.

Then I tried to give them rides on my legs--jet rides we always called them--and Bean didn't like the way it went when I ended up dumping her in the grass. She ran into the house to get a new diaper anyway. It's amazing how such simple little games are so exciting and fun for the kids.

Later on, Bug asked in that kind of sweet way she has at times, sort of a half-smiling, innocent puzzlement, "Mama, if you were a pigeon and I was an owl, why couldn't I kill you? I thought owls were tough." Well, yes in real life, but I thought we were playing the game the way you wanted. Or maybe you were one of those little ground squirrels. I actually tried to die, but Bean was having none of it, and Bug just wanted me to be injured.

I put Bean in Elmo pajamas as I was putting her to bed, and Bug asked me about the blue guy who was kind of like Elmo, but had a more round face. What is his name? Rover or something? Oh, Grover! Grover kicks Elmo's ass, I quickly assured her. Then she said, "There is the pink girl with yellow hair and her name is Prairie Dog, and I don't get that because she doesn't look anything like a Prairie Dog." I laughed and told her how cute she was and how much I love her.

Bean, almost 3, came into my bedroom tonight wearing pajama bottoms and looking rather sad. She said in a plaintive, almost crying tone, "Can you help me get my pajamas? I'm too short!" She had gone into her room, turned on the closet light since the lamp has a burned out bulb, and pulled pajama bottoms from the top drawer. She came to get me when she couldn't get the top.

A few nights ago, Thursday I think it was, she disappeared for a little while near bedtime. We found her in the laundry room where we do diaper changes. She had her diaper off and was trying to clean her poopy bottom with wipes--computer screen wipes--but still wipes. Then Dh and I both ended going upstairs with a so tired she was almost hysterical Bug. Bean was downstairs and went around and turned off all the lights before coming upstairs to bed.

On August 31st, she actually took her poopy diaper off and sat down on the potty chair. I found out when she came to tell me there was poop on the seat. I went in and cleaned it and cleaned her off. She wanted to wear underwear after that, so I got several pairs out. She wet both pairs and never actually peed in the potty. When I asked her if she wanted to, she said, "I did already!"

Sometimes she wears underwear. She often takes her diaper off, and the last few mornings has been taking it off and trying to put a new one on, but has to come to me for fastening help. I suppose she'll use the toilet one day, but it's amazing to hear her cute voice with her full sentences.

A few nights ago she was scared of something and was crying hysterically. I keep thinking she was saying that she was going to leak out, but she actually said, "I'm going to freak out." She was saying it over and over again while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. She was behind me on the bed, but that much separation was still too scary for her. She was afraid of some sort of monster that night.

A few simple questions, and I found out where in California I should live.

You Belong in San Francisco

You crave an eclectic, urban environment. You're half California, half NYC. You're open minded, tolerant, and secretly think you're the best. People may dismiss you as a hippie, but you're also progressive, interesting, and rich!

I guess it thinks I'm rich since you have to be to live in SF. Although the homeless shelters are better there than here from what I've read.

At first I was 53-47, but then I changed an answer to say that I see when people use poor etiquette and I got 60-40. I don't know that I do, but sometimes I feel like someone is being rude. Etiquette I just don't care about, unless it crosses into something that can hurt someone else.

Your Brain is 60% Female, 40% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

I got this from Tracymom's blog. I'm not sure this is accurate. I can be helpful, but I can just as easily be resentful and unhappy while I'm being helpful, so does that really count as helpful? I can be really sensitive and empathetic, but I often feel out of tune with people and don't connect with them. I am drawn to charismatic and charming people, however--it's the masochistic part of me. I want to make people look even better by comparison to me. I am narcissistic and self-centered. I don't know why. I picked anger as the sin of which I am most guilty, but maybe I should have picked another.

OK, I changed a few answers and got this:

So what I was going to say in reference to my ranting post about my husband flying back to be with his family after his brother died is that after hearing my husband's description of things, the way things were playing out made more sense. I was upset that there was no real funeral or time of family getting together to support each other. But it sounds like everyone who had been at the hospital for so long was just worn out and ready to go home and be alone. DH's brother was flying back the next day after DH got there, his father was leaving that day too. His mother was packing up to drive back to her home several states away. Apparently things were strained between the parents and BIL's wife. Forming an opinion about the situation this far on the outside is pointless. I can't judge how other people grieve. People have such different reactions. When my father died, it was such a shock, and yet I found myself doing the same things, acting in the same ways. It was transformative, but not to the point of getting me so far out of my life that I forgot to eat or laugh. I had a hard time sleeping, and I didn't want to be home. I wanted to be in my mother's house where everyone was gathering. I absolutely did not want to be alone.

My DH said it seemed like the SIL was just done with her late husband's family and ready to move on, but she kept getting dragged into meals out and such things for the brief time that everyone was together right after the death. DH commented that some of her her behavior and reactions didn't seem that of a grieving person. I remember my mother dealing with my father's death, and how angry we were at her for some of the things she did, but I have no doubt that she loved my dad and was missing him terribly, at least after the dust settled.

I wouldn't want to be in the shoes of my BIL's widow. I do know that my MIL was pretty upset by the fact that BIL's wife would not agree to let his cornea's be harvested even though he was an organ donor. She wouldn't let her son, 16, come to the memorial service that they did have. It is quite possible that he didn't want to come, and she was just protecting him from any possible censure. She didn't want her husband's ashes in her home. That one really upset my MIL. Also, they always knew that she put her son above her husband, but it wasn't clear just how far that was.

When a woman has children, things change in the marriage relationship. That is, perhaps, too general a statement, but from my perspective, things change. I still love my husband, but sometimes I feel almost like I have to choose who to love on any given day. I don't think my heart is that big, and instead of feeling like all these people to love who love me back multiply my capacity for love, I just feel worn out. They all want and need something from me. Sometimes I want to run away, but then I always think I'll take my kids with me if I go. Yet it usually isn't my husband stressing me out most days. Sometimes I would love to return to the days when he and I did things alone together.

My husband does irritate me, though, usually when he gets stressed out and yells at the kids, which bothers me way more than their childish happy noises, no matter how loud they are. Also, the fact that he doesn't find anything we can do together something he'd like to even try. My last post about how I have to do all the fun family things and he rarely comes along is a case in point. I do it for my kids and for myself, and heck, for my husband. Sometimes I feel like the biggest gift I can give him is time without children. He wants me there and the kids somewhere else, but what the heck else can I do? I'd like him to do things with us as a family besides going out to eat, but I am not going to wait around and sulk if it just isn't going to happen. I'll make my own way. And sometimes that feeling is what makes me realize it's just me and the kids against the world. I can't leave them. They are part of me, just running around outside instead of easily carried on the inside (I was never so tired of being pregnant that I actually wanted to give birth). I feel like I put them above him, but I don't necessarily feel that he does the same. Sometimes he seems more protective of me than of them. We have both talked about how the kids come first, if he had to pick who to rescue from a burning building he'd save them, etc., etc., but I think sometimes the kids need him to save them from me more than he does.

I could easily see my SIL figuring out how things would work when her husband was gone. I do that myself quite frequently. For awhile I was convinced that between his sedentary ways, poor eating habits and stress from his job, my DH would be dead before 50. When we were first together, I thought I would die if he died. I even planned on how I could kill myself if I really wanted to, or how I would try and get along without him if I thought I should keep going. Now I plan on what I will do with my life, my financial affairs and job situation and things like that. You feel kind of cold and angry when you realize that you can't change or control much. I can't make my dh eat a vegetable. My SIL couldn't cure her husband's illness. She had an 8 year old child when she married a man with a terminal illness. She didn't know when he would go, but I'm sure she didn't foresee them spending their golden years together. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I never know who is going to go first, either. Sometimes I'm convinced that I will die and leave my children motherless.

My MIL and FIL were very involved in their son's life, way beyond their involvement in my DH's life, I feel. I could also see that SIL felt like she should have been the one talking to doctors and making arrangements, and not her husband's father. I could see her wanting to exercise some control, or just feeling like she wasn't a part of it and should just give up.

I read my SIL's blog which I found from her signature in e-mail she sent to the family. I felt like a voyeur, but I couldn't quite help but read. I read her entries about her husband's illness, and it really said a lot. I wish I could have been reading it before he died, so I would have a greater understanding of what was going on. I felt her pain and exhaustion.

The last entry I read she was talking about how she didn't feel like she had ever been a part of her husband's family. The funny thing is that my ILs are worried that she is not going to ever talk to them again, that she doesn't feel like she is part of the family. Right after his son died, my FIL spoke to DH about me coming to live near them in FL if DH should die. DH didn't think that would be likely, but I said I wouldn't rule it out. Maybe this was in part because they felt like she wasn't going to have anything to do with them. So then reading her feelings of pain at feeling left out was surprising, and yet in line with what I was thinking. Also with how I feel, since I don't feel like I really am a part of their family either just because of how far away we live. The only comment on that blog post was from my FIL. He said some reassuring things, actually, and seemed to take it well. Then the next day I went back to read, she had made some posts private, and disabled comments except by certain users. I guess she didn't realize that people were following the link from her signature, and was caught by surprise. It surprised me that she made a statement of this sort on her blog that she shared with her husband's family, but I thought maybe she wanted them to see it. Now I'm thinking that is not the case.

I meant to come back and add an update to my last post, an entry that would explain how I was completely out of touch and misinterpreting things, but I never did. I haven't had time. I really like having my 7 year old Bug home from school, but it was getting exhausting there for a few days, with Bean giving up her nap and going to bed early, hence getting up really early too, while Bug was not tired and staying up late.

We had a low-key 4th. We went downtown in the morning for the parade, but we had missed it, so we walked around for about 2 hours. Thirst and the heat drove us home, and we ended up going into the pool for a couple hours. That was nice. Then we came back in and played in the house. I used the computer for awhile, even playing some World of Warcraft. We went out for dinner, then came home and sat on the lawn and watched the last of the sun go down. Around 9:15 ish, we got in the car and drove around to different firework display venues, and manage to catch parts of two shows in the distance, from the car.

I call it low-key because at least I didn't have to pack a picnic and take the kids out to the park laden with all the things I would need for a long stay there, including money for the various bounce houses, souvenirs and carnival games. We did that last year and it was nice, but Bean is way too prone to running away, and trying to make your way home after all of that really is a kick in the teeth. And this would all be fine if my husband would ever come with us, but of course he doesn't.

When I see all the kids and their dads on fun outings, I wonder why my husband can't be the fun dad. Isn't that the stereotype? Dad is the fun parent who gives the kids things, and the mom is the sensible one who always cracks down? Well, except for the case where the dad is the cold, authoritarian father who doesn't show much love to his kids. I had the fun dad. DH defy many other stereotypes (hell no, I'm not putting the toilet paper on the roll!) in marriage so why not as parents too? Being the fun parent is not all its cracked up to be, and then when DH comes home from work and wants to know if I'm being sensible in letting the kids outside by themselves, or letting them have sugar, I frankly don't know. I have no judgment. All I know is I'm exhausted and I'm neither going out there with them nor dealing with the fallout of having them whine and complain to me all day.

On the 5th there was a church potluck. At this point I was sleepwalking through my day, but we went shopping in the morning, then came home and made some simple salads for the potluck. I also cleaned little things here and there before I was finally able to take Bug to the pool where I swam my laps as my exercise for the day. Honestly, all the little things I had to pick up and put away and clean up consumed a big part of the day. The house looked a little cleaner, but not much. I was so tired that I twice had to lie down for some catnaps. It was like being pregnant again, but I'm not pregnant. I just look pregnant, unfortunately. The potluck was nice, not too big. Bean ate 3 helpings of broccoli and then some cake. Bug ate 2 helpings of beef and then some ice cream pie. Then the both played outside in the grassy yard of the church pretending to be bunnies. I cleaned up their mess at my table, including sweeping up the cake crumbs. Then we sang songs by the piano, while Bean and Bug played outside the whole time. If my husband had been there, he would have felt compelled to sit out there with them and then limit their time as he didn't want to be outside, so sometimes it is nice for it to just be us.