July 15, 2006

• So what I was going to say in reference to my ranting post about my husband flying back to be with his family after his brother died is that after hearing my husband's description of things, the way things were playing out made more sense. I was upset that there was no real funeral or time of family getting together to support each other. But it sounds like everyone who had been at the hospital for so long was just worn out and ready to go home and be alone. DH's brother was flying back the next day after DH got there, his father was leaving that day too. His mother was packing up to drive back to her home several states away. Apparently things were strained between the parents and BIL's wife. Forming an opinion about the situation this far on the outside is pointless. I can't judge how other people grieve. People have such different reactions. When my father died, it was such a shock, and yet I found myself doing the same things, acting in the same ways. It was transformative, but not to the point of getting me so far out of my life that I forgot to eat or laugh. I had a hard time sleeping, and I didn't want to be home. I wanted to be in my mother's house where everyone was gathering. I absolutely did not want to be alone.

  My DH said it seemed like the SIL was just done with her late husband's family and ready to move on, but she kept getting dragged into meals out and such things for the brief time that everyone was together right after the death. DH commented that some of her her behavior and reactions didn't seem that of a grieving person. I remember my mother dealing with my father's death, and how angry we were at her for some of the things she did, but I have no doubt that she loved my dad and was missing him terribly, at least after the dust settled.

  I wouldn't want to be in the shoes of my BIL's widow. I do know that my MIL was pretty upset by the fact that BIL's wife would not agree to let his cornea's be harvested even though he was an organ donor. She wouldn't let her son, 16, come to the memorial service that they did have. It is quite possible that he didn't want to come, and she was just protecting him from any possible censure. She didn't want her husband's ashes in her home. That one really upset my MIL. Also, they always knew that she put her son above her husband, but it wasn't clear just how far that was.

  When a woman has children, things change in the marriage relationship. That is, perhaps, too general a statement, but from my perspective, things change. I still love my husband, but sometimes I feel almost like I have to choose who to love on any given day. I don't think my heart is that big, and instead of feeling like all these people to love who love me back multiply my capacity for love, I just feel worn out. They all want and need something from me. Sometimes I want to run away, but then I always think I'll take my kids with me if I go. Yet it usually isn't my husband stressing me out most days. Sometimes I would love to return to the days when he and I did things alone together.

  My husband does irritate me, though, usually when he gets stressed out and yells at the kids, which bothers me way more than their childish happy noises, no matter how loud they are. Also, the fact that he doesn't find anything we can do together something he'd like to even try. My last post about how I have to do all the fun family things and he rarely comes along is a case in point. I do it for my kids and for myself, and heck, for my husband. Sometimes I feel like the biggest gift I can give him is time without children. He wants me there and the kids somewhere else, but what the heck else can I do? I'd like him to do things with us as a family besides going out to eat, but I am not going to wait around and sulk if it just isn't going to happen. I'll make my own way. And sometimes that feeling is what makes me realize it's just me and the kids against the world. I can't leave them. They are part of me, just running around outside instead of easily carried on the inside (I was never so tired of being pregnant that I actually wanted to give birth). I feel like I put them above him, but I don't necessarily feel that he does the same. Sometimes he seems more protective of me than of them. We have both talked about how the kids come first, if he had to pick who to rescue from a burning building he'd save them, etc., etc., but I think sometimes the kids need him to save them from me more than he does.

  I could easily see my SIL figuring out how things would work when her husband was gone. I do that myself quite frequently. For awhile I was convinced that between his sedentary ways, poor eating habits and stress from his job, my DH would be dead before 50. When we were first together, I thought I would die if he died. I even planned on how I could kill myself if I really wanted to, or how I would try and get along without him if I thought I should keep going. Now I plan on what I will do with my life, my financial affairs and job situation and things like that. You feel kind of cold and angry when you realize that you can't change or control much. I can't make my dh eat a vegetable. My SIL couldn't cure her husband's illness. She had an 8 year old child when she married a man with a terminal illness. She didn't know when he would go, but I'm sure she didn't foresee them spending their golden years together. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I never know who is going to go first, either. Sometimes I'm convinced that I will die and leave my children motherless.

  My MIL and FIL were very involved in their son's life, way beyond their involvement in my DH's life, I feel. I could also see that SIL felt like she should have been the one talking to doctors and making arrangements, and not her husband's father. I could see her wanting to exercise some control, or just feeling like she wasn't a part of it and should just give up.

  I read my SIL's blog which I found from her signature in e-mail she sent to the family. I felt like a voyeur, but I couldn't quite help but read. I read her entries about her husband's illness, and it really said a lot. I wish I could have been reading it before he died, so I would have a greater understanding of what was going on. I felt her pain and exhaustion.

  The last entry I read she was talking about how she didn't feel like she had ever been a part of her husband's family. The funny thing is that my ILs are worried that she is not going to ever talk to them again, that she doesn't feel like she is part of the family. Right after his son died, my FIL spoke to DH about me coming to live near them in FL if DH should die. DH didn't think that would be likely, but I said I wouldn't rule it out. Maybe this was in part because they felt like she wasn't going to have anything to do with them. So then reading her feelings of pain at feeling left out was surprising, and yet in line with what I was thinking. Also with how I feel, since I don't feel like I really am a part of their family either just because of how far away we live. The only comment on that blog post was from my FIL. He said some reassuring things, actually, and seemed to take it well. Then the next day I went back to read, she had made some posts private, and disabled comments except by certain users. I guess she didn't realize that people were following the link from her signature, and was caught by surprise. It surprised me that she made a statement of this sort on her blog that she shared with her husband's family, but I thought maybe she wanted them to see it. Now I'm thinking that is not the case.

  • 8:59 pm
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