February 1, 2007

  • I feel like I haven't journaled enough about Bean. She says things to me that seem like a sophisticated way of thinking, yet in that little voice with its odd R's and S's it is hard to tell. She has always claimed to have green eyes. I haven't been able to tell what her eye color is, frankly, but she says they are green. I figured someone told her she has green eyes at some point, but I don't really remember anyone ever saying it in our family. Her eyes are a kind of grayish green with an almost yellowness to them in the middle. I thought maybe that was the brown mixing with the blue and that they are considered hazel, but they are a kind of greenish color.

    A few days ago I was nursing her and I was looking at her eyes in the bright room and they looked green to me. I said, "Wow, you have green eyes." And she replied, "Yes I do!" Then she said, "I can see *everything* with my eyes" She was so enthusiastic and happy about it.

    She says a lot of bad words. Today I dropped Bug off at school and I don't think she made it into the class before the final bell. So I parked the car in an open space on the street and I got out to see if I could tell anything, but I couldn't. I never heard the bell ring. We've had so many tardies this year, right after they changed the starting time of school back a half an hour and it messed up our cycles. The principal just sent a letter home and I'm to the point that I would rather she just miss school than be late. I think she was late today. Anyway, I didn't go too far down the sidewalk since Bean was in the car. When I got back into the car, she said, "I told you to get in the car." Not in the way where she was ordering me, but like she was explaining that while I was out, she was telling me to get back in the car and then I did. I responded with, "Oh you did, cool." Then she said, "Yeah, I told you to get in the fucking car."

    She uses a lot of negative phrases. She calls things stupid all the time, says I hate you, calls people dumbasses (stupid dumbasses, fat dumbasses, probably fucking dumbasses although I'm not sure I've heard that combo yet). I never really cared about the swearing and I tried to ignore it and not give the words any weight, but I get upset when she is hurling insults around, and lately I've tried to tamp down on the swearing because people will interpret it negatively and it might upset them. I told her to stop saying those words as people will not like them. Bean replied with, "I'm not going to stop, I don't want to say nice words."